There are No Gray Shades Here: Sexual Wounds and the ACOD

unworthy woman 1Where can you go if you struggle with sexual guilt, addiction, confusion, hurt, or shame? Research shows that adult children of divorce (ACOD) begin sexual activity at a younger age than those from intact families1 and have more sexual partners2 which can create sexual unfulfillment in relationships. Father hunger is also a significant source of love-seeking sexuality which often creates sexual brokenness. These problems combined with the “sexual freedom” of today’s society, can lead to substantially less sexual satisfaction and sexual wounds that continue into adulthood.

Unfortunately, finding helpful, current, scientific, and biblical information on issues of sexuality, without judgement or instilling shame, has been difficult. Fortunately, Dr. Julie Slattery’s ministry, Authentic Intimacy, fills this void.

Slattery states,authentic-intimacy-logo
Practically every woman, young and old, single and married, carries pain, shame, and confusion related to sexuality. 
Authentic Intimacy believes that God intentionally created us as sexual beings, that every sexual choice is a spiritual choice, that sexuality as a powerful metaphor, and that Satan intentionally works to destroy the holy expression of sexuality.” 3

While sexual brokeday-20-imperfect-praise-9-25-10-by-jessica-wimernness affects men and women, Authentic Intimacy predominantly helps women by answering the unspoken and often tough questions related to sexuality and sexual brokenness.

We want women to understand and love their sexual identity in Christ. As a ministry, we disciple women by helping them understand and apply God’s Truth to all questions, pain, and joys of sexuality.”3

If you or someone you know feel guilt, shame, or struggle with obtaining the sexual freedom God offers, click here to connect to Authentic Intimacy and a wealth of loving, truthful, and helpful information.

 

1Ottaway, A. (2010). The impact of parental divorce on the intimate relationships of adult offspring: a review of the literature. Graduate Journal of Counseling Psychology2(1), 5
2Wallerstein, J. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, (NY, NY: Hyperion, 2000), 188
3http://www.authenticintimacy.com

Images
alone by beautifulflower
Day 20 – Imperfect Praise (9.25.10) by Jessica Wimer

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Good News for Adults with Divorced Parents

Though adults with divorced parents are up to 200% more likely to divorce than their peers from intact families,1 two books offer us good news.  One is The Good News About Marriage by Shaunti Feldhahn. The other is Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship.

Ddaughters-of-divorce-bk-gaspardaughters of Divorce was written by researcher Terry Gaspard and her daughter, Tracy Clifford—both ACDs. It’s a bold, unpolitically correct look at the impact of divorce on daughters. Gaspard’s purpose was to “create a guide that helps daughters of any age overcome the unique legacy of divorce, so they can establish healthy, happy, and long-lasting relationships.”2

With ample research, stories from those she interviewed, and personal reflections from Gaspard and her daughter, Daughters of Divorce is a practical and hopeful book for any woman with divorced parents.

Their seven steps to a successful relationship begin with the sobering and daunting task of restoring our faith in love.3 After reading this goal I asked, “Do we even realize we’ve lost our faith in love?” Gaspard answers this with numerous examples of clients and others who have done just that. Some realizing they have killed Cupid. Others chasing, but never catching him.

A major strength of Gaspard’s work is how she peels back the layers of lies women with divorced parents believe and systematically leads them on a path toward overcoming those lies. While heartily recommending this powerful book, be advised that her views of self-esteem are not rooted in the fact that God created us, therefore our worth is intrinsic—regardless of how we may feel.

The other good news comes from The Good News About Marriage.4 good-news-about-marriage-bk-feldhahnFeldhahn soundly debunks the 50%-of-marriages-end-in-divorce myth, and offers new insights into marriage that have gone unreported by most media.

For example, did you know that nearly 80% of married couples report being happy in their marriages? Have you heard that attending church regularly can lower your chance of divorce by 25-50%?6 Probably not. The Good News About Marriage is full of marriage encouraging and marriage strengthening information like this.

It’s great news for adult children of divorce (who tend to be fearful of divorce) that things are much better on the marriage front than we’ve been led to believe. For those who desire solid relationships, but doubt it’s possible, Gaspard and Feldhahn declare, FULFILLING RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGES ARE POSSIBLE…FOR EVERYONE!!

 

Why Cohabitation Hurts Guys Long-term

From time to time there is a flurry of articles on cohabitation vs. marrying. The latest batch mostly claim there is little or no difference between the two. Furthermore, their logic suggests that people eventually marry anyway, so it’s no big deal. But is this the whole picture?living together tiled both

A recent article titled, “Is Marriage the Only answer to Happiness1 was unusual in that it showed both sides of the coin. The upside was “Cohabiting provides people with companionship, intimacy, and everyday assistance just like marriage.”1

Butthe report found that cohabiting relationships tend to be less stable than marriage and that couples would break up within two years.”1

More interesting was what came next. “It (the research) also indicated that the benefits of intimate residential relationships persisted indefinitely for men, but for women the benefits of living together, whether married or not, declined after the first year.” Plenty of research would not include married women in this statement, but I’ve addressed this in other blogs.

The question is, when a man lives with a woman without marrying her, does he do as well as his married peers? Though the experts might differ,  the Bible is clear he doesn’t. However, the reason may surprise you.Couple moving boxes with annoyed woman

Proverbs 27 17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” One way men are “sharpened” is by advice from their wife. Granted, no husband enjoys hearing “truth” from his spouse. (Well, maybe one—there’s always one.) But women were created to help men be better—dare I say—to be more Christ-like.

Now, before I lose all you guys look at Genesis 2. Man is roaming around the Adam and Eve by Lawrence OP 25Garden of Eden. Life is good: sleeping when he wants, burping whenever he wants, not cleaning up after himself, and naming the animals without being told he was doing it wrong. But God looks down and for the first time says, “It is not good.”2 Then God states, “I will make a helper suitable for him.”2 Eve shows up, and the rest is history.

God knew Adam would never be all God desired without guidance from his loving wife, Eve. And this is a big reason why cohabitation hurts men. When iron sharpens iron there are sparks. A woman who doesn’t have the security of a wedding ring is never going to push the envelope and tell the guy what he doesn’t want to hear. Not when there is the risk of him leaving because of “all the nagging.” And her fear increases when kids are added.

Consequently, the guy Sonnet 116 - Marriage of true minds by Robert Chealb 25doesn’t get sharpened the way God intended—never reaches his full God-potential. Hebrews 12:11 says, No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”I’ve been married for 32 years. God has used my wife to “sharpen” me countless times. Did I like it? No. Was it in my best interest? Yes.

So guys, be the man she knows you can be and “put a ring on it.” You’ll be taking the first steps toward receiving blessings from God you can’t imagine!

For more on this subject, click here for articles on myths people believe about living together.

 

1 Is marriage the only answer to happiness?, Han Nguyen, Jan 2, 2016,  http://www.smh.com.au/national/is-marriage-the-only-answer-to-happiness-20151230-glwsu2.html.
2Genesis 2:18
3NIV

Photos
-Couple with boxes – http-//www.thesundaytimes.co.uk/sto/comment/regulars/briefing/article820396.ece
-Adam and Eve by Lawrence OP
-Rings – Sonnet 116 – Marriage of true minds by Robert Chealb

The New Audio Series on Adult Children of Divorce Issues is Up

Earlier this year I recorded ten radio programs for the Champions Arise ministry of Trans World Radio (TWR). In this series, Foster Braun interviewed me on how parental divorce affects the children and the adults they become.Kent Darcie with Foster Braun 25% These fifteen-minute programs include an overview of the issues adults with divorced parents face and detailed discussions on anger, father hunger, forgiveness, and other topics.

This is a great introduction to why adults with divorced parents struggle with relationships and divorce at significantly higher rates. Click here to connect to the program list and audio links.

Father Hunger and the Real Fifty Shades of Grey

I hadn’t planned to jump into this fray. However, because of the father hunger, feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, and the fear of abandonment that plague adult children of divorce, I felt it was important to share an article from Dr. Miriam Grossman unworthy woman 1titled, “A Psychiatrist’s Letter to Young People about Fifty Shades of Grey.”

Please read and share this important article with every female you know—particularly those from divorced homes because of their increased vulnerability.

I’m also posting this link to a presentation I did on Father Hunger. The video and audio quality aren’t stellar, but the message is critically important for any woman whose parents are divorced—and the men who love them.