Support Group for Adults with Divorced Parents in Southeast Michigan

I am excited to announce that I will be co-leading a support group for adults with divorced parents starting in May.  Please contact Sycamore Counseling Services for more information.

Here is a video with a brief description of who this group is for.

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Do You Want to be Healed?

My last blog looked at four types of adult child of divorce. For those in the Deluded, Denied, and Determined camps the next question is: Do you want to be healed?

This seems like an odd thing to ask until you look at a situation a man faced when approached by Jesus. Jesus was walking through an area where many sick, blind, lame, and paralyzed people gathered. He approached this man who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years and asked him, “Would you like to get well?”1 This seems like a no-brainer question, but is it?

Exercise by Oregon State University croppedEvery New Year’s Day people make a commitment to change—lose weight, be more organized, quit smoking, argue less, etc. But days or perhaps weeks after they start, defeat comes. They quit and reboot next year on January 1st. We’ve all experienced this, but why? As blunt as this sounds, we have no resolve.

When we show resolve, “a definite and serious decision [is made] to do something.”2 In our context, when asked, “Do you want to be healed?” the real question is, have you resolved to overcome the issues your parents’ divorce created or are you content to dabble in healing?

Jesus is asking you,Do you want to enjoy your holidays and other family occasions? Do you want to stop hating your Mom or Dad? Do you want to stop sabotaging your relationships and not knowing why?” What’s your answer?

Divorce nightmare adultchildrenofdivorce.netThe wrong response is, “I’m tired of the anger. I’m tired of hating holidays. I’m tired of sitting in a room and watching my parents fight. I’m tired of feeling insecure at work and at home. I’m tired of failing in my relationships. I’m tired of seeing the hurt look in my spouse’s eyes when I blow it. I’m tired of never getting better.”

The right response is, “Heavenly Father, I’m willing to humble myself, admit that I can’t do this on my own, and submit to Your authority, power, guidance, and wisdom.” God can bring healing to your heart and mind—when you resolve to be healed.

But are there hidden reasons we don’t want to be healed?

  • Too much work involved.
  • Don’t want to face the pain.
  • We like hating and holding unforgiveness because we think it gives us power over those who hurt us.
  • We enjoy being a martyr since it absolves us have taking the responsibility to change.

Christian Cross 11 by Waiting For The Word croppedI realize I’m being a bit harsh, but aren’t you tired of dreading holidays, weddings, parties or any event where your folks, ex-folks, and step-folks show up? Aren’t you sick of fretting over parents’ new boyfriends, girlfriends or hurtful antics? God can help.

Believe me. I know how hard it is to hope, but God is faithful. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.”Pray that He will strengthen your resolve and guide you into the Determined and Delivered camps today!

 

1John 5:6, NLT.
2http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/resolve
3Proverbs 3:5, NLT

Photos:
Exercise by Oregon State University
Divorce Nightmare – Dreamstine
Christian Cross 11 by Waiting For The Word

Overcoming Regret

Swallowed In The Sea by Kelly B croppedMy mother would say, “Idle time is the Devil’s workshop.” This basically means bored (and unsupervised) people do bad things. While this principle applies to many kids, children with divorced parents are particularly vulnerable because their anger with the divorce can fuel rebellious actions. As a result, many of us have decisions in our past that sting our memories years later:
     sex at a young age 
          drinking with embarrassing or tragic consequences
               lying
                   stealing
                       numbing our pain with drugs or cutting
                           an abortion…or two
                                or starting our pornography addiction.
 But what can we do when regrets race to the surface?

A man who knows regret
Peter the apostle had a major regret—he denied Jesus Christ. Worse, Peter denied he knew Jesus three times in quick succession. Worse yet, he denied Jesus after telling him “Even if everyone else deserts you, I will never desert you.1 Still worse, after Peter denied him, Jesus turned and looked over at him (Luke 22:61). So after three quick decisions Peter was a broken man and wept bitterly.
 Can you imagine the shame, hurt, and despair from denying his close friend (and the Savior of the world)—after he’d seen countless miracles and walked on the water with him? In some ways, many of us can. Not the denying Jesus part, but doing something (or things) that cause us to wince in shame, hurt, and despair—even years later.

How do we overcome regrets?
Woman and Bible - Prayer a Powerful Weapon by abcdz2000After Peter’s dark hour, he does something Judas didn’t—let Jesus take away the pain of the regret. When Jesus rose from the grave, he told Mary Magdalene (the first witness of his resurrection) “go tell the disciples, and Peter” to meet the resurrected Jesus in Galilee (Mark 16:7). Later Jesus had a heart-to-heart restorative chat with Peter (John 21:15-19).

Jesus wants to have a heart-to-heart with you, too. He doesn’t want you weighed down by past regrets. Start your conversation with Jesus by confessing you messed up and you’re sorry. If an ongoing sin or addiction is involved, repent and earnestly seek God’s healing—pursuing whatever help is necessary. However, confession is key. “If we freely admit that we have sinned, Forgiveness by Tiffany Scantleburywe find God utterly reliable and straightforward—he forgives our sins and makes us thoroughly clean from all that is evil.2    Once confessed to God, it’s done in his eyes. “As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.”3

Moving Forward
Peter was able to overcome his regrets by proclaiming the forgiveness and grace God offers to the world—forgiveness and grace he knew from personal experience. Sharing about God’s forgiveness and grace in our lives draws others to the Source of true healing and reinforces God’s goodness in our hearts and minds. This is a powerful and proven way to overcome regrets.

1Matthew 26:33, NLT
21 John 1:9, Phillips NT
3Psalm 103:12, ESV

Photos
Swallowed In The Sea by Kelly B
Peter’s Denial by Robert Leinweber
Woman and Bible – Prayer a Powerful Weapon by abcdz2000
Forgiveness by Tiffany Scantlebury
freedom…! by Kaylan Chakravarthy  50

Easter, Anger, and Adult Children of Divorce

Though the peeps and bunnies are gone, I keep thinking about a movie I saw Easter Sunday. Normally Charlton Heston in the Charlton Heston as MosesTen Commandments is tradition, but this year I watched “The Gospel of John.” This movie retells the Gospel of John and when Jesus’ trail was portrayed I noticed two things:

First, with the taunts, jeers, cheap shots, and cheap hits they took at Jesus, he must have been tempted to wipe them off the earth. He easily could have saying, Who do you twerps think you are? Don’t you realize I’m the true Son of God!? Then ‘ZAP!’  and suddenly, Jesus is there alone.Angry by Dee Teal

Second, it’s amazing to me that Jesus didn’t get angry at his mistreatment. We live in angry times. Republicans are angry. Democrats are angry. Sports radio people are angry. Rights Activists are angry. Even those who think the Bachelor chose the wrong girl are angry. But Jesus, who had every right to be angry, wasn’t. “Father forgive them1 he said, just before they crucified him.

So as an adult child of divorce whose dealt with my share of anger issues, it would behoove me to view the actions of my Savior more closely. Case and point:

Jesus before accusers cropped“Now the chief priests and the whole council were seeking false testimony against Jesus that they might put him to death, but they found none, though many false witnesses came forward. At last two came forward and said, “This man said, ‘I am able to destroy the temple of God, and to rebuild it in three days.’” And the high priest stood up and said, “Have you no answer to make? What is it that these men testify against you?” But Jesus remained silent.”2

I wonder how different things would be if I’d remained silent instead of spouting off in anger. What about any of us? Would our past relationships lasted? Would our spouses be more open and loving toward us instead of guarded in fear? Would we have learned to let God’s peace direct our hearts instead of prideful words like “I deserve”?

To conquer anger we need to revisit Easter. Christ rose from the grave and anyone who confesses Him as Lord and Savior receives God’s Holy Spirit. It is the power of the Holy Spirit who enables us to remain silent when we want to lash out. And it is the Holy Spirit who guides us to scriptures that can help us with our anger.Anger, Handling A Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way

If you are struggling with anger (or your loved ones or friends say you are), don’t not to try to overcome it yourself. Your efforts haven’t worked so far and probably won’t. Instead, invite Jesus Christ into your life and receive true power to overcome your anger.

Still not convinced you’re angry? Take this Anger Assessment from Gary Chapman.

1Luke 23:34
2Matthew 26:57-63

Photo
Keyboard – “Angry” by Dee Teal

Upcoming ACD Interview with Kent Darcie on Internet Radio

Kent Darcie from Adult Children of Divorce Ministries on WEXL 1340AMOn Wednesday, October 28th at 1:30pm I will be interviewed on the ways parental divorce still impacts the kids after they grow up. You can hear this interview at live365.com/stations/madonnauniversity2. The host of the program is Dani Nunley.

Upcoming Workshop-Series for Adults with Divorced Parents

Starting October 21st I’ll be teaching a six-week workshopKent Darcie 30% cropped on the impact of parental divorce. The topics include, anger, grieving, father hunger, boundaries and more. Learn how you can have relationships that are free from fears and break the cycle of divorce. The cost is free. For details click here.

The New Audio Series on Adult Children of Divorce Issues is Up

Earlier this year I recorded ten radio programs for the Champions Arise ministry of Trans World Radio (TWR). In this series, Foster Braun interviewed me on how parental divorce affects the children and the adults they become.Kent Darcie with Foster Braun 25% These fifteen-minute programs include an overview of the issues adults with divorced parents face and detailed discussions on anger, father hunger, forgiveness, and other topics.

This is a great introduction to why adults with divorced parents struggle with relationships and divorce at significantly higher rates. Click here to connect to the program list and audio links.