“Getting Over It” vs. Not Letting It Control Us


While sharing about a parental-divorce-related struggle, my friend said, maybe it’s time to just get over it.  After my initial unspoken, “that’s easy for you to say,” I wondered if people who believe that are wrong, but also right. Ironically, less than a week later, another parental-divorce related incident occurred, and I was quick to point out, “this is why it’s so hard to get over it.”

These thoughts reminded me of a chapter in Leila Miller’s book, Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak. On the title page, “Speak to Your Parents Then and Now” she writes:
For the record, one or more young divorced parents has told me that adult children of divorce only want to speak to me for this book because of ‘unconscious revenge’ against their parents, and that they simply have not ‘forgiven’ their parents, which is the only way to heal.”1

Ain’t that a blip?! …Or are they right?

One of the challenges of getting over it, is “it” keeps rearing its ugly head in different ways which can continue for years. How do you get over the stepparent who broke up your parents’ marriage with the affair? Where does getting over it fit with two parents who still lower the room temperature 40 degrees whenever they are together? At what point does one get over boyfriend after boyfriend or girlfriend after girlfriend—and explaining the parade to the kids?

I’ve come to realize that ACD may not be able to just get over it. There are too many occurrences. But ACD don’t have to be controlled by the fallout from parental divorce. Hurt doesn’t’ automatically call for unforgiveness. Anger need not produce bitterness. Betrayal can bypass hatred. Misunderstanding doesn’t require severing relationships. Reminders can circumvent depression.

Fortunately (sort of), dealing with recurring troubles is not a new problem. Two thousand years ago, the Apostle Peter asked Jesus, “’Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?’ ‘No, not seven times,’ Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!’”2 Apparently there was a recurring problem and Jesus’ answer was (and is) to forgive—repeatedly, if necessary.*


But how do we forgive the same thing over and over? Or maybe it’s a something different, but produces the same crummy result. We start by realizing how much Jesus forgives our over and overs. The Bible says, “if we confess our sins to him (Jesus), he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.”3 Consequently, if Jesus is willing to forgive all of our sins, how can we withhold forgiveness from others?

Forgiveness is an important piece when dealing with the fallout from parental divorce and not allowing it to control how we think and act. You can learn more about how adult children of divorce can forgive when you click here.

I also encourage you to read through earlier blogs to see other ways ACD can control how they respond in situations where they would like to just get over it.


*Biblical forgiveness never includes enduring abuse or putting oneself in harms way.

1Miller L, (2017). Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak. Phoenix, AZ: LCB Publishing, 163.
2Matthew 18:21-22, NLT
31 John 1:9, NLT

Honestly by Steven


Billy Graham and Overcoming the Impact of Parental Divorce

With Billy Graham’s passing at 99 years old, we have lost the Moses of our era. It’s difficult to name someone who has had a broader and more positive worldwide impact than Billy Graham. However, he would be the first to say it is not about him, nor has it ever been.

For nearly 60 years Billy Graham taught true healing starts with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Adult Children of Divorce Ministries is committed to helping those who struggle with the residue of parental divorce, and we agree. The video below shares how anyone can be freed from the fears, anger, unforgiveness, father hunger, and other issues common to adults with divorced parents.

Please grab a cup of coffee and watch this. These few minutes could change your life in a wonderful and eternal way.

Upcoming Workshop-Series for Adults with Divorced Parents

Starting October 21st I’ll be teaching a six-week workshopKent Darcie 30% cropped on the impact of parental divorce. The topics include, anger, grieving, father hunger, boundaries and more. Learn how you can have relationships that are free from fears and break the cycle of divorce. The cost is free. For details click here.

A Thank You to Divorced Dads This Father’s Day

Father and daughter by Chany CrystalMy dad divorced my mom, but never divorced me and my sisters. Given my ministry and the stories I hear and read, I’m very, very thankful for a dad who pushed through his own animosity toward my mom, and kept the relationship between us and him alive.

To divorced fathers like mine, thank you for making the emotional sacrifice so we could have the emotional benefit. Words can’t describe how much we appreciate your efforts.

Father & son by Dany PhenxTo divorced fathers that initially tried, but the waves of resistance—either from our mothers or from us—caused you to pull away, please make efforts to reconnect. There’s no guarantee how we’ll respond, but God can do amazing things when efforts are made with a humble heart.

Father and Son reading stories by Kelly SikkemaTo those of you whose fathers are gone (or were never in your life) I encourage you to press into the bosom of your Heavenly Father. He’s seen every tear, cheered your victories, smiles when you smile, and the Bible says, “Plans to give you a future and a hope.”1Unto Eternity, My Fairest Love by Pnk Sherbet Photography

My friends, this Father’s Day, take time to thank your father, your Heavenly Father, or both.

1Jeremiah 29:11

Father and daughter by Chany Crystal
Father & son by Dany Phenx
Father and Son reading stories by Kelly Sikkema
Unto Eternity, My Fairest Love by Pnk Sherbet Photography

Happy Mother’s Day to the Four Mothers in my Life

Happy Mother's Day~Fuzzy Flwrs [A, =] Art4TheGlryOfGpd bu Sharon 8729536732_5822eb30bb_bTo my Mom, thank you for being a mom who loved me in spite of the grief I put you through because of the divorce. I miss you. Please say hi to Jesus for me!

To my step-mother, thank you for loving me and praying for me and my family–even after the divorce from my dad. You are a lady of class and grace.

To my current step-mother? (sorry, Emily Post doesn’t have guidance on this title),  thank you for your sweet spirit of love and reconciliation. You are a wonderful person and a blessing to my family as well as your own.

To my incredible wife and mother of our three children, words can’t describe my thankfulness for your patience as God brought healing to various areas of my life that were affected by my parents’ divorce. You are the Proverbs 31 woman. I’m incredibly blessed to be the man you chose to spend your life with.

Happy Mother’s Day ladies! I love you all! May God bless you all with His loving touch today.


image: Happy Mother’s Day~Fuzzy Flwrs,  byArt4TheGlryOfGod by Sharon’s photostream.

What’s in a Name? Maybe Some Healing

bag over headTwo step-mothers were talking about the challenges step-mothers face on a program I caught the other day. One of them used a phrase I’ve heard many times, but for some reason it struck me differently this time. She said, “My kid’s mother.”

Normally it wouldn’t be worth mentioning. We hear phrases like this often in the divorce world. “My ex’s weekend,” or “their mother’s job” communicate the person’s identity clearly. My mother would say, “your father’s mother.” It’s the jargon we’re used to.

When I was in high school, my favorite teacher asked what I’d done over Christmas break. I responded, “I spoke with my father’s mother.”  And this dear lady said, “You mean your grandmother?” I was like, “huh, yeah, my grandmother.” But that was the terminology I grew up with.
www.So what’s the big deal? And what does any of this have to do with healing? Three things come to mind:

  •  Kevin Leman (psychologist, popular author, and speaker) taught about the importance of children using names when they are upset with each other. Leman said that phrases like “he did this to me” should be replaced with, “John did this to me.” Apparently, when you strip a person of their name, it’s easier to pull the humanity from them, and we risk treating them as less than human. How often do we see this as children of divorce?
  1. Women always use names. For reasons I (and the rest of the male species) don’t understand, using a person’s name in conversations is very important to ladies.

hello my name is stickerIn a group of people I was with, a wife was telling a story and she stopped because she couldn’t remember a name. While this nameless individual has value to God, I never met this person, didn’t know the person, and will never meet the person, so who cares? (Send any complaints to acdministries@gmail.com.) After what seemed like a days-long delay, her husband finally said, “Get on with it.”

My point is, names have great value to women. So when they intentionally don’t use them, I believe it is sending a message of unconscious disrespect or disdain. Possibly unforgiveness and other issues are mixed in there as well. And kids can pick this up through osmosis.

  1. The Bible talks about the importance of names. It says
  • “A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches.” [Proverbs 22:1, NKJV]
  • The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe. [Proverbs 18:10 ESV]
  • “At the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” [Philippians 1:10-11, ESV]

And there are many other examples of the importance of a reconciliation cropped“name” in scripture.

Names have great significance. Sometimes we get one even before we are born. I realize this is a lot to glean from an innocent comment from two nice ladies, but my intuitive observation says that using or not using a name could reflect deeper heart issues that need to be addressed and taken before the Lord.

I’d be interested in your thoughts on this. You can add your comment below.

Forgiveness and the Adult Child of Divorce

Recently I hosted the New Beginings show with Rick Van Briggles. On the program I presented a brief overview of forgiveness as related to adult with divorced parents. Click below to listen to the program. Kent Darcie onNew Beginnings Show